Lady Naru
by Eilwynn
Summary: What if the only thing that had changed about a fem Naruto... was her gender? How differently would things have turned out? A study in the butterfly effect. On pause.
1. Chapter 1

I was an artist, and I put on my makeup that morning like it was war paint, like it was the defiant, sharply angular work of art about independent whores I had hanging on my apartment wall, the one I had saved up money for five months to buy.

I was a Spring complexion, with hair a deep honey gold color, straight and coarse and thick like true sheets of golden honey, all one long waist length, and electric blue eyes. I'd seen a wire come into contact with water once and a huge spark of blue flash out of it. That was the color my eyes were. I liked showing off, getting that big effect, and so naturally my makeup had to reflect that.

It started simple. Foundation and blush to go with my skin, the warm color of a pink peach darkened faintly golden by the sun. Okay, so I was maybe a little bit vain. I drank up online descriptions of my coloring: that I looked best in clear, sharp colors with names such as parrot green, coral, turquoise, peach, cobalt blue, Chinese red, and lemon yellow, that I was personified by spring flowers such as daffodils, jonquils, and tulips. Warm yellow gold like the sun, the season reflecting new energy and fresh growth, vibrant new life. Spring was the time when the light came back to the world, when the ice finally melted away and what remained behind was beauty, happiness, and vigor. Grass, trees, flower buds, greenery, buzzing bumblebees.

That was me.

The foundation and blush went over the whisker shaped markings on my round, heart shaped, curving cheeks, not hiding them - nothing could do that, and anyway I didn't want to, didn't see the point - and then my lipstick became a bold, slashing line of clear, bright red, hiding my unusually sharp incisor teeth just enough for it to be a huge surprise when I gave one of my all-teeth grins. I was dangerous, I was powerful, and I knew it. My mascara was deep black, accenting the startling, bold, energetic color of my eyes.

On days when I wanted to feel sweet and pretty, I wore lighter mascara, warm pink lipstick, and maybe a touch of cornflower blue to the eyes. But today I wanted to feel strong, and so on came the candy apple red lipstick and the black, bold, defining mascara.

My kunoichi dress was its usual apricot orange, a color I had a strong fascination with, the color of poison, nature's warning color. The dress went on over my obvious curves - I was an early bloomer and a full woman with a huge appetite for soul cooking, proud of being a lot to handle, not one of those skinny girls who went on diets - and also over the intricate, beautiful blue and black seal tattoos adorning most of my body. My hair went up in its long pigtails, a playful but somewhat psychotic touch, my weapons holsters slid into place, and I was ready.

I was an orphan, I lived on my own, and so most elements of fashion I had figured out for myself, without much outside help. I was proud of that. Proud of my fashion sense and my artistic eye, my independence.

I sealed the cans of spray paint away inside the containment seals tattooed onto my palms, ready now for a different kind of art, and took one last look at myself in the full length mirror by my apartment's front door. I looked good, I decided. Fierce. "Rawwrr," I growled, snarling and making a claw and grinning into the mirror, and then I laughed at myself.

I'd needed some self confidence today. Konoha was a mostly secular, peaceful, and easygoing Hidden Village, largely commercialized for the tourism industry and prizing ideals like mercy and humanity to an unusual extent for a village full of murderous soldier ninja, but what I was about to do was blasphemous even by Konoha's standards. Sure to provoke a reaction.

I looked forward to it.

I crept out of my apartment building in the dewy dawn. I woke up early every morning, to have a cup of tea on my balcony and watch the sunrise amid my box gardens full of flowers, herbs, and vegetables. But this was early even by my standards. Nobody would be up at this time, and that was the idea. This project had to start early and would probably torpedo into morning classes at the Ninja Academy.

If I hadn't learned it all by now I was never going to pass into Genin rank anyway. The test was tomorrow; either I could do it or I was fucked.

I jogged down dirt streets lined with green trees and beautiful flowers, past white stucco building decorated with rounded multi-colored roofs, and up to the great sandstone Hokage Monument looming up out of the center of Konoha village in the mild weather. Splayed across it were the carved faces of the four Hokages, Konoha ninja village leaders and ninja force commanders, including the current one. All were men. A long line of what were considered our most important ancestors splayed out proudly for everyone to see.

I hurried around the Monument and ran up the pathway winding around the back of the Monument, up to the very top. I didn't stop for breath at any point along the steep uphill climb. I was planning on being a ninja, and if I couldn't even run up to the top of the village Monument without stopping, there was a problem. I stopped at the top, sweating faintly, taking deep, full, clear breaths of air into my lungs - good, strong lungs, lungs I was proud of.

I loved working out. There was just so much energy to it.

I knelt, leaned down, and fearlessly stuck a kunai knife right into one of the Hokage's craggy hairlines. I tied a length of ninja wire around the loop at the end of the kunai knife's handle, attaching the other end to my kunoichi dress' belt loop. I peered over the edge. If this wire broke or the knife dislodged, the fall was about 2000 feet to the ground. I probably wouldn't be able to make it to the nearest roof. I might be able to reach for another kunai in time and use it to tether myself to the side of the Monument in one great scar. Maybe.

I shrugged. "Can't say I'm not living my life to the fullest, dattebayo!" I said cheerfully, and threw myself from the cliffside of the mountain.

I fell steeply, shouting in excitement, the wind whipping my hair back, the ground coming up for me - I shut my eyes and a calm kind of peace came over me - and then I stopped with a jolt, tethered. My eyes flew open. The knife and the wire held.

"Awesome! So I'm not dying today!" I said cheerfully, and unsealed the cans of spray paint from the containment seals tattooed onto my palms. As I said, I was an artist. My messy, paint-covered apartment could prove it, the floor littered with old remnants of previous paintings, paintings I had sung to myself along with music as I'd created, the walls splattered with beautiful nature murals and paint balloon popping experiments that made my apartment look like a clown had been murdered inside it, the prized bizarre independent whore painting on one wall, my personal paintings on canvasses covering much more space.

Paint balloon popping, by the way, involved filling balloons with paint, hanging them from a wall, and then throwing weapons at them, and it was the single greatest invention ever in the history of mankind. Television? Cell phones? Laptops and the Internet? Long distance communications devices? Calculators? Nope. Paint balloon popping.

I'd been painting for years, and now was the time to show off my skills. This would be my latest, and possibly my greatest, work.

It was a graffiti work. Edgy, psychedelic, surrealistic, fantastical, and roughly angular, my painting combined a simple yet playful traditional style, an abstract POP art style, and a more ancient painting style reminiscent of calligraphy and ink paintings, fusing together many of my favorite sources to make a calling card that was entirely my own. It was like that with my private paintings, and also with my public graffiti art.

This one had to be a social commentary. I couldn't graffiti the Hokage Monument, of all places, and not make some sort of commentary. I implied homosexual love between two of the four men, and painted the other two over in obvious drag. Never let it be said Uzumaki Naruko did not go all out when she wanted to say something. I put heathenish occultist symbols around the artwork to liven things up a bit. Then I signed with my calling card: "LADY NARU" written in all pink gigantic block letters above the work, in hiragana because I thought it looked cuter, with black and pink hearts around it. (Black like my soul, cute like how freaking adorable I knew I was.)

I leaned back fearlessly over the horrible drop, grinning, unsealed a camera from one of my many seals, and took a photo. I'd have to clean it all off later, so I wanted working evidence that it had once existed. I took a few more pictures at different angles for good measure.

"UZUMAKI!" someone behind me screamed in - Anger? Fear? Horror? All of them? It was a mystery. I realized the sun had come up.

"Oops. That's my cue!" I said cheerfully, sealing the spray paint cans and the camera away again inside two of the many seals tattooed across my body.

I rocked myself so my feet rested sideways against the Monument, and in one movement I yanked the knife away and untethered myself from the stone, in that same moment pushing off with my legs, launching forward and landing on the nearest rooftop. All in one smooth, clean movement. "HA!" I shouted in victory, then looked around and saw the many green vested Chuunin ranked Konoha ninja chasing after me. Most of them adults. "Uh oh," I uttered aloud, and began a leaping sprint across the village, from one rooftop to the next, giving chase.

I couldn't help myself. I grinned and laughed out loud as I ran. This was fun! I could feel the whole village's hateful eyes on me as I leapt above them, people were shouting at me from the streets, ninja were screaming at me as they chased me over the rooftops but could never quite catch up.

"Uzumaki! This time you've done it! You're not getting away with it this time!" they called after me in vain. They said that every single time. Luckily for me, I had Grandpa Hokage wrapped around my little finger, so I would never be arrested unless I hurt someone - which I never had.

Yeah. He let me call him Grandpa to his face. That was how far in I had him. He was doomed. He was the one who paid for my apartment, dropping off checks at my place every month, and he had ever since I could remember, all the way back to when my blonde pigtails had made me look cute instead of homicidal and I was still a tiny little munchkin, and once you help out a little girl like that as their technical guardian it never really ends.

"HA!" I called back over my shoulder. "You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first, dattebayo! What's wrong, Hideki? Nervous because a twelve year old girl's got bigger balls than you?" I put a girlish little pout into my voice for good measure.

I knew all the rotation guards in Konoha by name. That was how often they chased me, and not always for graffiti art either. I prided myself for having a wide variety of troublemaking skills in my repertoire.

I set a few seal trap tags behind me in my wake - there were sudden gasps and shouts as surprised Konoha ninja were sucked inside. Then I ducked underneath somebody's clothes line and sprang through their window, yelling, "Sorry!" over my shoulder as they shrieked. I sprinted across their apartment, leaping down into the street below and taking countless twists and turns and corners through back alleys. Finally I made a hand seal and whispered, "Transformation Technique," turning into a beautiful slim dark-haired woman in her twenties, purple dress.

Out of all the Academy level techniques using chakra, the Transformation was my favorite and also the one I was best at. I could become anyone. I prided myself on my realism.

I smirked. "Too easy," I whispered smugly to myself, shrugging, as I faded away into the woodwork.

I made it all the way back to my apartment before they found me, and only because these two ninja in particular knew where I lived. Spoiler alert: They were my two main Academy teachers. Iruka-sensei and Suzume-sensei were my head teacher and my kunoichi seduction arts teacher, and they were waiting for me outside my apartment door. Iruka-sensei had a ponytail of brown hair and a wide scar across his nose; Suzume-sensei had frizzy black hair and glasses. Both were young.

Most ninja were. The ones who were alive. Grandpa was an exception, and I intended to end up like him.

I smirked and like a chameleon turned smoothly and silently back into myself. They scowled at me. "Naruko!" Iruka spat, irate. "What on earth are you doing when you're supposed to be in class?!"

"Iruka-san, I think the real question is _why_ she was doing what she was doing when she was supposed to be in class," said Suzume in disapproval, irritated.

I held out my wrists, melodramatic. "You can take me in! But unfortunately, the discreet way back to the Academy has been mysteriously blocked up by a fallen support beam. Isn't that inconvenient?" My eyes widened innocently. "I guess you'll just have to take me the way that gets me seen by everyone!"

Iruka actually growled, and I beamed brightly. What infuriated them most, I knew, was that I had overcome every hurdle in becoming a good kunoichi. I was a visual and kinesthetic learner in a sound based class, so I'd discovered ways to make up for my academic deficiency. I had a best friend that I sparred with and practiced physical skills against every single day, _and_ she had a special taijutsu style and a doujutsu. My seduction skills? Superb, and so much fun to perform.

I had chakra control that went about as smoothly as chili induced constipated shit, and I couldn't figure out genjutsu to save my life, but everything else was perfect, from my stances to my chakra strength and stamina to my hand signs. I had physical strength, speed, agility, and chakra power coming out the wazoo.

There were a couple of skills I hadn't mastered - I wasn't so good at sitting still and rote memorization, I couldn't break out of illusions, and the Clone Technique required so little chakra I couldn't do it to save my life. But everyone had something they weren't good at, and overall? I was a grade A student, the inconvenient pranks aside.

I also had a few clan skills hidden up my sleeve from my long dead family, but I didn't want to reveal them unless I really needed to. Part of the reason why I was coming quietly.

The other part was this. I let them tie, bind, and gag me, Iruka slinging me over his shoulder. And I was walked, clearly visible, silent, through the streets back to the Konoha Ninja Academy. The final piece to my art. Whispers and cold glares sprung up in my wake.

"Monster."

"Blasphemous! Typical."

"What on earth is the matter with that thing? And why don't we just lock her up?"

But those whispers were nothing new. I'd been hearing them all my life. Here was what was important. For a split, glorious second, I mattered to somebody. All eyes were on me. Nasty eyes, but still, eyes.

Here was the thing. Before Hinata, my current best friend, had come into my life, I had nobody. I was an orphan, and an unwanted one; everybody hated me. I didn't know why. I used to be a weepy little girl, thinking there was something wrong with me personally, but eventually I figured out? There were deeper motives to the adults' hatred, to why they wouldn't let their children play with me in the streets. Motives I didn't understand.

So I became hard and angry. _Suck it up, buttercup,_ I told myself, and I ceased crying. For some reason, I was looked down on and despised, and that was just the way it was; I couldn't do anything about it and nobody would tell me why, so I stopped worrying about it. Being lonely even became a kind of comfort to me, the silence in my apartment where I felt most myself. I was chattery and warm and extroverted to all viewers, fierce and funny, but completely alone within. The peculiar thing about loneliness: you crave human contact, and yet when someone tries to reach out, you shun them.

I'd eventually gained a best friend in Hinata, after saving her from some asshole bullies. I'd hated being bullied myself as a younger girl, and now that I'd grown a pair, I sure as hell wasn't going to watch it happen to somebody else, I'd decided. I walked right up between her and her bullies, and kicked the lead bully where the sun don't shine. I yelled at them so loudly to fuck off that they'd all scampered away.

Hinata, the girl I had saved, had been able to look past the prejudice and see the person. She'd saved me, really. Helped me with my physical skills, with my academics, stolen Uzumaki clan scrolls back for me, helped me with my kunoichi arts skills, supported me when nobody else had. She was my savior, but I was hers too - Hinata, a naturally timid and shy girl from a strict and powerful living clan, always seemed to feel braver when I was around. She helped me; I protected and empowered her. We were reciprocal, even.

If it weren't for Hinata, I might have died off a long time ago. But it was still just her. I had no one else. Some people didn't even want to touch me, or even brush me accidentally, as if fearing I had the plague. Still others complained and looked down on me. Iruka-sensei and Suzume-sensei noticed me just enough to come get me after pranks, and scold me in class.

I was recognized by nobody.

In defiance, I had become a prankster and I had formed a goal: Someday I wanted to be democratically elected as the Hokage of Konoha village. And the first way to do that was to get everybody's attention.

So I sagged there over Iruka's shoulder, bound and gagged, in itching, horrific silence. And I let myself be carried through the streets past whispering, glaring, staring Konoha citizens. Back to the Academy, my admittedly self induced prison.

* * *

Author's Note: Since I'm doing a story about a fem Naruto pretending to be male, of course I had to do an openly female one. The idea is that these two stories will exist side by side. As you can see, I was experimenting with a bit of a different style with this one.


	2. Chapter 2

The Academy was a rambling wood affair, decorated with splashes of red and the Fire Country symbol, with a front courtyard scattered with trees and a back training field lined with grass. My classroom was covered in three person tables, rising beside the steps in tiers, from the bottom of the classroom all the way up to the very top. Lecture hall format. The teacher's desk and blackboard were down at the bottom.

As usual, everyone was watching as I was carried back into the classroom.

Iruka untied my gag, threw me down in front of him still bound by ropes, and lectured me from above. "Naruko! Tomorrow is the final exam and today is the day you decide to skip?! What is the matter with you?!"

I pouted and looked away in stubborn, resentful silence.

"There are three chances to take the final Exam over your last year anyway," said Suzume in bewilderment from beside him. "Why would you wait until the last opportunity?" Hinata, for example, had already passed the Exam.

I scowled. "Because the heroine always comes in at the end to save the day!" I shouted.

"Do you have no forward thinking at all?" said Suzume in exasperation. I glared at them in silence.

Suzume retained her cool - she'd dealt with me in the days when I was a horrible, tomboyish, impatient girl, terrible at the kunoichi arts - but Iruka had always been riled by nasty behavior and insults rather easily. Growling, he knew he couldn't attack me, so instead he whirled around to the class.

"We're having a pop quiz on the Transformation Technique! Everybody line up! Those who already passed have to take the quiz as well!"

There were shouts and groans of complaint. Then chairs were squeaked back and people stood reluctantly to their feet, going to get in line. Iruka organized himself in front of them with a clipboard, as Suzume bent over me to help untie my binds.

"I got it," I said, breaking free from the ties myself - which I could have done at any point if I'd really wanted to. Freeing yourself from binds was a Ninja Academy basic.

Iruka stood with his clipboard, Suzume off to the side, as each student went forward at a time to perform their technique. Their job was to transfrom into a spot on version of Iruka himself, yet more proof privately in my own mind that Iruka had a bit of a sensitive ego. I found this more amusing than irritating.

Hinata got into line beside me, a pale, quiet girl with short blue-black hair and the silvery trademark Hyuuga eyes. She wore pants and reserved sweaters, not like me. "Have a good time doing what you did out there?" she asked wryly.

"Totally worth it." I grinned.

"You didn't show off any of those Uzumaki clan skills we've been working on, have you?"

"Not enough to matter."

Hinata nodded in acceptance. She took my troublemaking better than anyone else I knew, understanding the motivation behind it.

Sakura went forward first. A Sasuke fangirl with an anorexic little form and long, loose, glossy pink hair, she was good at all the things I wasn't and bad at all the things I was good at. She was also kind of obnoxious, flaunting her high intellectual grades. I'd never been particularly fond of her.

"Haruno Sakura going! Transformation Technique!" Determined and fiery, she made the hand seals and transformed into a perfect Iruka. Then she ruined it by changing back into herself and jumping up and down, cheering and shrieking girlishly, "I did it! I did it!" She turned eagerly to Sasuke, who was behind her in line. "Did you see that, Sasuke-kun?!" she squealed, delighted.

In Sakura's mind, acknowledgment from Sasuke was always just around the corner. I suppose that was admirable, in its own way, if incredibly delusional. The day Sasuke acknowledged anybody was the day angel pigs flew around the sky using wings made of fairy shit.

Sasuke went up next. He silently turned into a perfect Iruka, and then back again. He walked off to the side without ever making a facial expression or saying a single word.

Sasuke was handsome, I'd give his countless fangirls that, pale with dark hair and eyes, calm, cool, and collected, intelligent, unfairly talented. Too bad he was an arrogant dick, shunned all human contact, didn't seem to think anybody was good enough for him, and seemed to have all the personality of a rock. If he cracked a smile, his face might split in half.

Maybe that was why he didn't do it.

I snickered to myself and whispered the joke to Hinata, who had to hold back her giggles. We chuckled childishly to ourselves, and then, cheered, as more people went up to take the test, I began chattering warmly on and on, easily excitable. I could talk about anything for hours, and at very fast paces too.

I was interrupted by the people standing next to us, a lazy ponytailed guy named Shikamaru and a skinny, bossy blonde-ponytailed girl in a revealing black kunoichi dress named Ino. "You know," said Ino, hands on her hips, "you shouldn't be allowed to be so happy when this pop quiz is all your fault." Another Sasuke fangirl, Ino was if possible even more obnoxious than Sakura, a spoiled shopaholic used to getting her own way.

"Yeah, this is so troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, an expert in the fine art of complaining about having to do anything.

I smiled viciously, leaking killing intent. I leaned forward and despite themselves they looked nervous. "Why don't you tell it," I said in a hard voice, "to someone who _cares_."

My point made, the killing intent died out and I turned matter of factly back around to face the front of the class just as my name was called. "Uzumaki Naruko!"

I walked forward and made a hand seal. "Transformation Technique!" But the form that appeared wasn't Iruka. It was a tall, hot, muscular blond man with artfully messy hair, very tan with a gigantic dick and completely and totally naked.

There were gasps, Iruka choked, and Suzume fell over in a nose bleed.

"No?" I said in a guy's seductive voice. "How about this?" I turned into a busty, hot blonde woman, also completely naked. "Pass me, Iruka-sensei?" she pleaded in a breathy voice.

Iruka also fell over in a nosebleed.

So I was a pervert. So was everyone else - just secretly. That was my theory as to why the technique would work. Everyone had that thing that distracted them. And I wasn't bothered by porn or erotic fiction, by yaoi or yuri, by naked men or naked women. I was a sexual girl, I bought erotic fiction, I masturbated regularly, and playfully I didn't care who knew that I was sexual.

I turned back into myself and began laughing hysterically at my prone teachers. Nobody else laughed, but that didn't matter; _I_ was laughing. "I just felled two Chuunin in one go!" I cackled. "What do you think? I call it my Sexy Technique, dattebayo!"

Noses bloody, Suzume and Iruka shot to their feet. "Idiot! Don't waste your time inventing such dumb techniques!" they shouted.

I crossed my arms. "Hey, it worked on you, didn't it? I'm currently working on getting down a seductive pose for every body type in both genders, to try to catch as many people as possible. It's a very scientific project." I grinned.

Hinata stood in the back with her hand over her eyes.

* * *

Hinata insisted on climbing up to the scaffolding with me and helping me scrub paint off the Hokage Monument in the setting sun after school. Slowly, my artwork was wiped away, the sandstone clean and sanitized once more. I swore to myself in a mutter as I scrubbed. All that dramatic hard work, come to nothing.

Suzume and Iruka sat above us, watching over us to make sure we finished.

"You're not going until every drop of paint is cleaned up!" Iruka called down to me.

I glared up at him. "As if I don't already know! And who cares? There's nobody waiting for me at home anyway." I went back to my scrubbing, irritated.

My family, my Uzumaki clan, had died in the Kyuubi fox demon attack twelve years ago, the day I was born. The gigantic demon had loomed up out of the forests and attacked Konoha village. The Fourth Hokage died destroying it. Among the lost… were my parents.

That was what the Third Hokage had told me about how they'd died, and together with the Uzumaki clan scrolls Hinata had stolen back from the clan archives for me, I'd guessed the rest.

I saw Hinata give me a sympathetic sideways glance. There was a long silence from above. Then there was a grunt and I looked up in time to see Suzume give Iruka a shoving nudge and a meaningful look. I raised a curious eyebrow.

Iruka sighed. "Hey… uh… Naruko? If you clean all that up real good… how about the four of us go out for some ramen tonight? My treat."

My eyes slowly lit up, delight coming over my face. Freshly hand-made ramen - my absolute favorite food. And free? Even better. "Alright! Now that's incentive! Watch how fast I clean this thing, dattebayo!"

Hinata laughed as I grinned and began scrubbing away furiously.

* * *

We went to my favorite ramen joint, Ichiraku's, in the spring evening full of chirping crickets, going through the cloth door and up to the open polished wood bar, where we sat and watched our food being cooked at the open kitchens in the warm, homey atmosphere. "Teuchi-oji-san! Ayame-nee-chan!" I called, cheerful, as I burst inside.

The Ichiraku family ran the ramen place, and had always been unusually friendly to me. Then again, I did pay them quite a bit of money. Ayame, Teuchi's grown daughter, was even the one who had taught me about puberty and periods.

I talked with the Ichirakus for a good few minutes, and then our bowls were put in front of us and I set to eating, going through four bowls easily. Hinata ate just as much - for such a tiny little thing, she had a huge appetite. Hinata was like that - she was usually reserved, but could be attacked by surprise giggle fits that lasted for hours and often had at sleepovers and nail art sessions.

After we'd finished eating, Iruka asked me in concern, "Naruko. Why would you desecrate such a sacred monument? You know who the Hokage are, right?"

"They're the best and strongest ninja in the village. Of course I know," I said evenly. "And the Fourth is the hero who died saving us all from the fox demon attack."

"Then why…?"

"Because someday, I'm going to be the best damn Hokage this village has ever seen, dattebayo!" I pounded the bar with my fist, trying to seem brave and confident.

"Why would anyone ever elect someone who graffitied a sacred monument to the dead?" Suzume asked in bewilderment.

"I was making a political statement. And I got people's attention, didn't I? That's step one," I said firmly. "I'm a girl, so I have extra stuff going against me. I have to make myself known. By the way…" I put my hands together. "Iruka-sensei, Suzume-sensei. Can I try on one of your hitai-ate? Just once?" I pleaded. "I want to know what it feels like to wear one!"

Iruka laughed. "This band with the Konoha symbol on it is the marker of a real graduated ninja. We can't just give it to you to try on. You'll get yours tomorrow."

"And the hitai-ate is a heavy, responsible weight. You shouldn't be so eager to have one," said Suzume firmly.

I made a distasteful face. "You knew they weren't going to say yes," said Hinata in amusement.

"Eh, they're just stingy…" I muttered rebelliously. Iruka and Suzume were laughing until I shouted vindictively, "I want another bowl!"

"Hey!" said Iruka indignantly.

"And you should have known that was going to happen," said Hinata, who often pointed out things that should have been patently obvious.

As we laughed and talked and argued, some of the nervousness over the upcoming exam - the real reason for my prank in the first place - faded away to obscurity.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning at the Academy was the Exam.

I dealt with my nerves the way I dealt with everything - by being loud, energetic, and mischievous, shouting things, scare-jumping people, leaping from foot to foot. One annoyed student called me "ridiculously happy considering I was about to go into a test that would define the rest of my life."

I scowled, blushed, and stuck my tongue out at them, glaring.

But soon enough, the test began, and the time for being overly energetic had passed. The girls got there earlier, and Suzume had us participate in a tea ceremony; I was sweet and tranquil and she passed me easily, smiling gently. Then came the standard male ninja stuff with Iruka as head proctor. We had to last in a taijutsu spar with another student for a few minutes, pass a written exam, and then came the final portion which was ninjutsu.

So I was going through the exam, and I was batting like 400. I aced the written test, dominated the taijutsu spar without revealing too much about my clan's Water Fist abilities, and then we all sat down back in the testing room, just a plain classroom with rows of desks, and we were told what the final ninjutsu portion would consist of.

"We have randomly selected one of the three Academy ninjutsu to test you on today," said Iruka. "You will go into the room next door and perform it alone for myself and Mizuki-sensei. You must execute a good and useful ninjutsu to pass. This exam's ninjutsu will be the Clone Technique."

I sat there in horror. The unfairness of it all struck me: I was an excellent student. I was good at everything. I was a powerful budding Uzumaki. They could have tested me on almost anything else in the Academy curriculum and I would have aced that test.

But they were going to pass or fail me based on the one thing I had never managed to correctly do.

Suzume-sensei's words came back to me: _Do you have no forward thinking at all?_

If I had taken an earlier test… would I have gotten a different ninjutsu?

But no, I couldn't think that way! My life was a great novel, and this was just a plot twist, something to be overcome by the protagonist! I had to do this, and I would. That was all there was to it.

So when my name was called, I took a deep breath and stood. I walked into the next room, where Iruka and Mizuki, my head instructor and my ninjutsu instructor, were sitting behind a long table that cut the room in half. Piled on the table before them were shiny new hitai-ate bands, ready and waiting for graduates.

I did a stance, made the hand seals, and moulded my chakra the best way I knew how. "Clone Technique!"

Around me appeared three… dead clones. Well, they weren't dead, but they were close. They lay prone and pale on the floor, mouths open and drooling, tongues hanging out, eyes glazed. They obviously had only a subhuman form of consciousness.

Iruka stared, and then his face turned slowly into a disappointed glare. That was the worst - the disappointment. "You fail!" he snapped, writing the dreaded F mark down on his clipboard.

I had been working to be a ninja since I was six years old, and dreaming for even longer than that. It was the only way anyone ever became anything worthwhile in Konoha, and I desperately wanted to be someone worthwhile. To be recognized by people. Now I found out that wasn't going to happen. I'd only given myself one shot, and I'd blown it.

The failure was terrible - a sinking weight in the pit of my stomach until the weight went through my feet and into the floor and I felt nothing at all. But the worst part was knowing that I had been stupid, reckless. This was probably my fault.

And all the people who didn't like me had just been proven correct.

"Iruka-sensei," said Mizuki uneasily. He was a quiet man with long, pale hair and we'd never had much to do with one another before. But he stuck up for me. "With all due respect, she did form clones. And her chakra strength and stamina, hand seals, and stance were good. It's her last shot, and we know she's a good student. Maybe we could pass her…?" He smiled nervously.

Hope shot into my heart, only to be viciously crushed once more by Iruka's next words.

"Mizuki-sensei, those clones would only be a bother on the battlefield, and that is the basis of our testing - battlefield usefulness. I cannot rightfully pass a student who has proven herself not to be battlefield ready."

It sounded reasonable, and in the back of my head I knew it sounded reasonable. But hurt anger filled me nonetheless, choking me into unusual silence. I just stood there - wordless.

* * *

There was a tree swing in the front courtyard that was my particular favorite. I sat on it, underneath the shade of the tree, watching from a distance as all the other graduates ran in triumph to their parents, talking and laughing together, wearing hitai-ate. Parents congratulated children, said they were proud of them, promised them special dinners.

I was apart from them, separated. I was the only one who didn't have parents. I was the only one nobody liked. I was also the only one who hadn't passed.

I could see Suzume and Iruka talking, frowning, with the Hokage, a little old man with a goatee in baggy red and white robes who had come to see the final graduation. Neither of them came over to talk to me. Maybe they were ashamed of me. And Hinata? She had passed, months ago. She would move on to being a ninja without me.

No matter how hard I struggled, I always came back to the same end result: Nobody cared.

I listened to the others across the courtyard distantly, deep and unfamiliar frown lines pulling down my face, trying desperately not to cry. I didn't want to cry. People in soap operas cried; real people in real goddamn problems, they didn't cry. Crying got you nowhere and nothing. I'd cut out crying ages ago!

But the whispers remained.

"Look. It's _the_ kid. She's the only who didn't pass."

Two mothers were glaring at me coldly from the edge of the crowd, talking to one another loud enough for people to overhear.

"Hmph! Serves her right! I dread the day _she_ becomes a ninja. After all, she's not really even human, is sh -?"

"Quiet! You know it's forbidden to say anymore than that!"

Suddenly, I felt someone walk up to the grass beside me. I looked up and around. Mizuki-sensei was standing there, smiling sympathetically.

"Can we talk?" he said.

* * *

We climbed up and sat on a rooftop in the setting sun - just talking quietly, watching the sky turn pink and gold and the clouds misty.

"Iruka-sensei isn't trying to be cruel with you, just as Suzume-sensei isn't trying to be soft. It just comes to a difference in backgrounds," said Mizuki simply, staring ahead of himself. "Suzume lost a little sister when she was young, so you fill that role for her. Iruka, on the other hand, also grew up without any parents - like you. So he projects himself onto you, and wants to make sure you pass on your own merits."

I sat there struggling with words for a while, my face twisted. "I know," I said at last, my voice trembling more than I meant for it too. "I just - I'm good enough. I know I am. He failed me on the one stupid thing I couldn't do. I just want to be a ninja," I whispered longingly.

Mizuki sighed. "... Okay," he said as if preparing himself.

I looked around, puzzled. "Okay?" I echoed, confused.

"There is one other way to pass into Genin. A secret test, if you will. It's just… a lot harder, and we're only supposed to give it to students who fulfill special qualifications," Mizuki admitted. "But I'll give it to you. I'll give you one more shot.

"There's a certain scroll in the Hokage's private library, attached to his office. It's always there, especially for this test. You'll know it, because it's as big as you and has a black seal on it. Sneak in, steal that scroll without getting caught, sneak back out. Ninja may be assigned to stop you - you can't let them.

"Take that scroll to the old abandoned spy outpost in the south forest, near the great wooden surrounding wall. Learn a ninjutsu from the scroll, at least one, and be there with the technique ready to show one of your Academy teachers by eight o'clock tonight.

"You do all that, and you pass. Do we have a deal?" He held out his hand.

I paused. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that something didn't feel right. But Suzume and Iruka had shunned me while Mizuki had supported me and welcomed me, and I wanted so badly to believe there was another way I could pass, that I chose to believe it.

I shook his hand. "Deal," I said firmly, determination and excitement filling me.

I smiled viciously. This, I could do. All this was, was another prank.

* * *

I hung below the ledge of a building roof that was at a direct line with the Hokage's office floor, waiting for the change of guards. Finally, when the guards moved, I sprang across the way and onto the ledge of the Hokage's office floor, my back against the wall and my hands out, my feet inching across the distance until I arrived at his office window.

I used a hairpin to jiggle the window open, and slipped inside. His office was dark, silent, and empty, the great gold-encrusted mahogany desk and vast chair in the middle. I made a hand seal and channeled Mind's Eye of Kagura, my sensory technique, using it to scan the surrounding area.

No waiting traps. The security surrounding this scroll was surprisingly pathetic.

I walked over to the library door, picked the lock, and ghosted my way in. After a minute or so of rooting around, I found what had to be the correct scroll. As big as me, with a black seal, just as Mizuki had said.

I strapped it to my back, snuck back out the window, and leaped across to the opposing roof. As I ran across the rooftops toward the south forest, I saw a guard watch me suspiciously. But he didn't know what I'd done, didn't try to stop me, and by the time he'd figure it out it was too late. I was already in the south forest training as night fell around me, in the clearing among the huge overarching trees, by the old wooden shack in the darkness.

I grumbled to myself as I trained, because ironically the first technique on the scroll was a more advanced version of the one I'd had so much trouble with.

It was the Shadow Clone - physical replicas, with all their power and abilities, of the original human creators.


	4. Chapter 4

I sensed them before they arrived, using Mind's Eye of Kagura. I smirked and rolled up the scroll, strapping it once more to my back. I'd mastered the Shadow Clone Technique. I had that graduation in the bag, or so I thought.

They landed in front of me: Suzume, Iruka, and for some bizarre reason even Hinata were all there.

"NARUKO!" Iruka shouted, infuriated, as if he could literally think of nothing else to say.

"Do you have any idea the enormity of what you've done?" said Suzume sternly.

"Naruko-chan, why did you do it?!" Hinata cried, distraught.

I paused, blinking at them. "What do you mean?" I said slowly, my heart sinking. "I had to steal the scroll and learn a technique from it in order to graduate…"

Their eyes widened and they froze.

"Who told you that?" said Iruka in a high, falsely calm tone.

"Mizuki-sensei." I frowned, confused. "He told me about the scroll, about meeting me at this spy outpost, everything. What's… what's wrong, why are you all so upset?" I looked between them. Then I froze.

"DUCK!" Hinata and I shouted at once, her Byakugan eyes activating while my Mind's Eye technique alerted me to the oncoming attacker. We started to move, but we wouldn't have been fast enough as rookies - Suzume and Iruka pushed us out of the way and took the attacks themselves.

They were pinned, arms and legs injured, to the wall of the abandoned spy outpost in a flurry of blood and kunai knives and shuriken. Mizuki revealed himself to be standing there, smirking calmly, amid the shadowy leaves. He was the one who had made the attack.

"Sensei!" Hinata and I cried out, Hinata frightened and me angry and worried, from where we'd skidded along the ground.

"So you two found her. Not bad for - oh, but of course," Mizuki said smugly, looking at Hinata. "The Hyuuga."

I scowled and sprinted to stand defensively in front of Hinata. "Don't you touch her!" I glared fiercely.

Mizuki laughed. "You wouldn't be so quick to defend her if you knew the truth." Then, before I could ask him what he meant, "Naruko. Give me the scroll." He held out a hand.

"Naruko-chan, don't!" said Hinata from behind me, obviously distressed. Why? What the hell was going on? I was genuinely bewildered.

Suzume and Iruka were coming to, still injured and pinned against the outpost wall. "Naruko, Hinata's right," Iruka forced out through the pain. "That's a scroll of forbidden ninjutsu. Mizuki used you to get a hold of it."

"There's a village wide search party out for you among the adult ninja right now. He was planning on pinning the thievery on you and then killing you here in this clearing," said Suzume, sober and serious.

I turned to glare at Mizuki, helpless anger and concern growing within me. Iruka and Suzume were injured. Did Hinata and I have what it took to fight off a Chuunin by ourselves?

But Mizuki was laughing - of all things, he was laughing. "This is ridiculous," he said. "Naruko, I'll do what no one else has ever done for you - I'm going to tell you the truth."

"The truth?" I asked slowly, frowning. I turned to Hinata, who looked equally bewildered.

But Iruka and Suzume knew what he meant. "NO!" they both shouted. "Mizuki, don't!" Iruka pleaded from his helpless position. He and Mizuki, I knew, had been friends since childhood.

But Mizuki plowed straight through.

"There was a law passed twelve years ago, after the fox demon attack. The law mandated that none of the adults in the village were allowed to talk about one fact, to you or any of the other children." Mizuki smirked.

"And… what law was that?" I asked cautiously. I felt fear inside me, as if already guessing what he said would change everything - and not in the good way.

"The law was that no one was allowed to talk about your true identity: you are the sealed demon fox who attacked Konoha twelve years ago."

I stood there, frozen in place. I heard Hinata gasp from behind me, but could not guess her emotions.

"You killed Suzume's sister! You killed Iruka's parents! They _hate_ you! They just won't admit it! The only reason Hyuuga stands behind you is because you're terrifying, and she can't stand up for herself! You're the demon! You have blood on your hands! You -!"

"Jinchuuriki," I whispered, my eyes wide.

There was a pause. "... Wh-what, Naruko-chan?" Hinata managed to stammer out.

I stared ahead of me, all the pieces connecting, speaking in a flat monotone.

"Jinchuuriki are a phenomenon within seal theory and experimentation. Another living entity is sealed and trapped inside of us. We are human demon-containers: vessels for demons of great and terrible power. We are living weapons, walking chakra experiments. We walk among humans, but carry demonic force inside us. In my case… a demon fox."

My whisker cheek markings. My teeth. My ability to shapeshift. My natural sense of mischief.

"Jinchuuriki are feared and reviled throughout the world. We are seen as the monsters themselves. And if our demon is ever extracted again… we die.

"An Uzumaki would be the perfect container for a demon. How convenient, then, for the Fourth, when my family died the day of the demon attack. We have naturally massive chakra coils, making carrying a demon easy, and we are seal masters ourselves. I learned all I know about sealing from my clan scrolls. There is in addition irony: the demon fox is made of fire chakra, while an Uzumaki's elements are wind and water."

My voice was still flat. I stared ahead of myself, stunned, my voice shaking. My vision slowly became blurry, in retrospect probably because of traitorous tears.

Mizuki stared at me, and then began laughing. "So you knew what they were and you _still_ didn't figure it out?! What, you thought your birthdate was a coincidence?! You never thought it was weird, the way everyone hated you so much?!

"You're a monster, Uzumaki, you're a freak of nature. You disgust people. They hate you. In private meetings among other adults already in the know, they call you 'demon bitch.' Your entire life is a living hell and we both know the truth, don't we? We both know you're never becoming Hokage of the village.

"So I'm doing you a favor, Uzumaki Naruko." Mizuki sneered. "I'm ending your life."

He reached behind his back and flung a gigantic fuuma shuriken at me, intending to cleave me in two. And I backed up a bit, skidding, out of panicked and shocked instinct, but I didn't really bother trying to get out of the way in time. I don't know why; it wasn't a conscious decision. I just… didn't.

Maybe because I knew he was right.

But then Hinata ran in front of me, and Suzume ran in front of her, and Iruka shouted, "EVERYBODY DUCK!" I did so, out of instinct… and looked up, shocked.

Hinata had run to take the attack for me, and then Suzume had, and then Iruka had taken the attack for all of us, the fuuma shuriken eating into his back as he stood in front of us with his arms out. He was crying, I realized. Umino Iruka was crying.

"I'm sorry, Naruko," he whispered, staring straight ahead at me. "I was always scolding you in class, but I never helped you. I put so much distance between us.

"When my parents died, there was no one left for me. No one to acknowledge me. And, well, I wasn't a very good student." He smiled through his tears. "Not particularly talented at anything. Not good enough to get attention when I did things right. So I did things wrong. I messed up, I played pranks and jokes, I made people laugh, I laughed myself. It was better than being forgotten, or ignored.

"It was very lonely." Iruka was sobbing. "And that's how it was for you too, Naruko, wasn't it? I'm sorry… if I'd been more aware -"

"Oh, I think we were all guilty of that, Iruka," said Suzume sorrowfully. "When I first saw you, Naruko, there was so much resentment. You were alive, but my sister wasn't. I felt guilty about my anger, and tried to make up for it by coddling you. In the end, I guess that didn't do you any favors either. I never touched any important subjects. I just tried my best to appease you.

"The only person who really helped you is the one who didn't know… Hinata."

Hinata stared down earnestly into my face. "Naruko-chan, he's wrong," she said fiercely. "That's not why I hang out with you at all! I hang out with you because - because I like you as a person! He's not right, you're going to be Hokage someday, I know you are!" she said, emotional. "He's trying to get inside your head to get the scroll!"

"No, Naruko! They're trying to get inside your head to arrest the scroll away from you!" Mizuki shouted. "They're afraid of you having it, they don't trust you! Have they told you the truth so far?"

In the end, all I knew from my years of experience was that I trusted no one. I didn't trust any of them. I turned, and ran into the forest with the scroll. Iruka and Suzume cried after me, and I felt Hinata give chase, but I kept running.

I had the Mind's Eye on my side, and I knew the Byakugan's weak point. The all seeing eye had a small line of vision that was blind; it was not completely 360 degrees. If I could get in that area…

I sensed her moving and moved around her, until I was right in her blind spot. I saw her pause, confused, Byakugan abandoning her - and I scampered off into the woods out of her range of vision.

I stood in a clearing for a moment, panting. What the hell did I do? My supposed friends' words came back to me, words of hope and encouragement… but did they mean what they said? My instincts screamed that no one wanted to help me and no one was being honest with me.

But in the end, I guess I still wanted to believe in people. Call me a sap. So I decided to give them one test - one chance to prove their trustworthiness. They were all converging in one spot. Silent and stealthy, I sprinted over there and hid in the underbrush, unnoticed, listening. I confirmed with the Mind's Eye: Hinata's Byakugan was not active. No one knew I was there listening.

"So, we're really going to do this?" Mizuki was asking disbelievingly, I supposed after a long chase of people running around each other in the forest. I could see the three converged, glaring at him. "You'd really rather the demon brat have that scroll?"

"I'm sure as hell not going to let a traitorous asshole like you have it!" Iruka spat.

"Agreed," said Suzume coldly.

"Idiots. There's no difference between me and the demon brat having that scroll," said Mizuki condescendingly. "She'll use it to take her final revenge on the village. You saw those eyes, right? They were the eyes of a monster - a demon fox."

"No way would Naruko-chan do something like that!" Hinata shouted, surprising everyone. "She's a good person and she'd never hurt the village!"

I paused in surprise.

"Naruko may be reckless, perverted, bizarre, and mischievous, but stupid or vicious she is not," said Suzume, the picture of refinement. "She may be a twelve year old jinchuuriki, and you may be an ordinary adult Chuunin, but yes. I'd much rather _she_ have the scroll."

"See, Mizuki, you've got it all wrong," said Iruka at last, breaking out into a smile. "I'd have reason to worry… if she were the monster fox. But she's not. She is… well… words fail to describe her. She's talented, intelligent, opinionated, creative, powerful, competitive, infuriating, arrogant, stubborn, wild-headed, short tempered, overly talkative, mischievous, overtly sexual, and yes, incredibly bizarre." Iruka sounded fondly amused. "And she has more layers of defenses than anyone else I have ever met - but that's because she's had a hard life.

"She has overcome so much already. People are so hard on her - myself included. She has felt and overcome pain, and she understands compassionately the pain of others. This is in the end her greatest strength. Her ability to win over people - this is what will save her.

"She is not a demon or a monster. She is my best student, and I recognize her, as Uzumaki Naruko of Konoha!"

So, I was crying. I'd broken my promise to myself, but in that moment it didn't seem to matter. It was the ugly kind of crying, too. Snot and makeup was going everywhere; it was nasty.

Because for a moment, I wasn't the seal, the demon, or the monster. For a moment, I transcended all of that. I was Naruko - just Naruko.

Mizuki shouted something, and went to attack them - and my angry, deadly protective instincts took over. I leaped out in front of them and held out a hand. The fuuma shuriken was sucked into the containment seal on my palm. I held out my hand and let it go again, and it sideswiped past Mizuki.

He'd paused in surprise, but then he laughed as it began to fly by him. "Ha! You didn't even -"

The fuuma shuriken trapped him to the tree behind him by his thick, bulky Chuunin vest. Never let it be said Uzumaki Naruko did not have good aim.

I made the hand seal. "Mass Shadow Clone Technique!" I snapped, and I was still in that same state of transcendence. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't even particularly hot tempered and angry, because at that moment nothing mattered except for fighting to protect my friends.

There was a blur across the clearing, and then hundreds of Shadow Clones began appearing, all over the place, cornering Mizuki from every side and every angle - even above. Oh yeah, the Shadow Clone Technique? _Much_ more at my Uzumaki chakra than the regular Clone Technique.

We all made hand seals. "Grand Whirlpool Technique!"

I figured I could break my rule and use a high level Uzumaki ninjutsu. Just this once.

Huge whirlpools of wind and water combined together appeared out of thin air, coming from every single Shadow Clone, and they slammed into Mizuki all at once as he screamed. I turned to Hinata. "We have to go," I said urgently, and each of us grabbed a Sensei and leapt into the treetops with them as water flooded the clearing we'd been standing in.

We stood there on the branches, watching hawkishly as the clones and the wind and water faded away. Mizuki remained - I sensed him out with Mind's Eye of Kagura. Unconscious, lungs filling with water, twenty seven bones broken.

I leaped down to his level and slapped a chakra suppression seal on his wrist, in a touch placement attack, sealing off all his chakra in that arm. I did the same thing to the other arm. Then I kicked him in the gut and he spewed water, coughing, coming back to life.

"And that's more than you deserve!" I snapped. "Ass clown! I do know Uzumaki healing techniques, and I could heal you…" I smirked. "But what fun would that be?"

He suddenly moved to attack, and I erected a seal barrier shield quickly, glowing gold, before turning that shield into sealing chains and wrapping the chains around him to hold him in place. I scowled as he struggled feebly, weakened and pathetic.

"Come on," I said darkly. "Let's get this asshole and the scroll back to the Hokage."

* * *

ANBU was waiting outside the Hokage's office to take the broken Mizuki away. The tiny old Hokage stood, smiling and all knowing, hands behind his back, outside his office.

"Mizuki tricked you," he said when I opened my mouth. "I know. You shall not be punished."

"How do you always know everything, Grandpa?"

He chuckled. "I'll never tell." Then he sobered. "Naruko, in all honesty… I'm sorry for not telling you. I thought that perhaps, if you and the other children didn't know, you would go on to live a peaceful, normal life. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

"You should know. The Fourth Hokage, your parents… they died wanting you to be seen as the heroine who saved the village. You must know that. It's why I made the law in the first place. I didn't want the adults poisoning the children.

"That… didn't exactly work out. Children learn from parent's examples, voiced or not voiced. It's why no one in your class likes you."

"Not nobody," I said, smiling over at Hinata, who smiled back. "You did better than you think, Grandpa. I understand." I handed back the scroll. "Sorry about, you know, all this." I shrugged and smiled sheepishly.

"Perhaps you could clean up your troublemaking act a bit?" he said, eyes glinting.

"I promise nothing," I said stoutly, and he laughed, as if he'd suspected as much all along. Suzume, Iruka, and Hinata did too. "We should get Suzume and Iruka to the hospital."

"Just a moment, Naruko." Iruka turned, and he and Suzume smiled at one another. "Whose hitai-ate do you want, hers or mine?"

I was caught off guard. "... What?"

"Well." They smiled at me. "You saved three people by defeating a Chuunin, and you _can_ clone now… You passed every other part of the test… I see no reason not to make you a ninja."

Hinata smiled at me stunned expression. "Oh, Naruko-chan," she said with fond exasperation. "Everyone here has been behind you all along."

The Hokage nodded along with a secret little smile on his face. "It's true," he said. "You must not stay an Academy student. Those actions are only worthy of a ninja."

I realized I was blinking back tears again. I sniffled and rubbed at my eyes. "Sorry," I said in a watery voice. "I've been crying so much tonight."

The Hokage chuckled softly. "How about this?" he said. He went back into his office, and came out with a very old, very battered hitai-ate. He tied it slowly around my neck like a kerchief, like Hinata's. I wasn't the only one silent and still with awe. "This one got me the into the position of Hokage," he said, "and I would only give it to someone I hope someday takes my place. Because she is a woman. Not in spite of it."

And that moment? That split second? I realized that was what happiness felt like - human connection. And I never forgot it.

I was not a monster, I realized. I was a girl, one who was about to begin a very big journey.

"Come on," said Iruka. "We'll stop by the hospital and then let's go get some ramen."

"Agreed. This calls for a celebration!" said Suzume grandly, beaming.

Hinata smiled and nudged me as we walked alongside each other, the Third Hokage waving us off. "Hey, Genin," she said playfully.

I smiled and looked at her hitai-ate. "Hey, Genin, yourself," I said, and we laughed in exultation. We stopped by the hospital and then went to get ramen, hitai-ate around our necks, and Teuchi and Ayame wanted to hear all about our interesting night.

And that moment? That split second? I realized that was what family felt like - belonging.

I never forgot that either.


	5. Chapter 5

I'd gone for a cross between kabuki and geisha. The two outfits had similarities, so once I'd gotten all my materials together the final outfit and face paint wasn't terribly difficult. I pulled my hair in a bun and decorated the bun with a hair ornament: a blue jeweled comb decorated with a lotus flower. Hinata had given it to me for Christmas one year.

So when I arrived at the viewing platform in front of the Hokage Monument, I was rather proud of my bizarre outfit. I looked different, and I loved looking different. The photographer took one look at me, and did a double take. He stared.

"You're… a ninja?" he asked.

I'd been beaming, but suddenly I flattened, glaring. "Of course I'm a ninja," I pouted. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"Alright, alright…" He raised his hands.

I had to take my ninja registration picture and fill out my registration paperwork today. The picture was taken by a professional photographer with a standing camera before the backdrop of the Hokage Monument, on the high viewing platform.

I got myself ready in front of the camera, made a Water Fist stance, and then stuck out my tongue and made a weird face. Again, in kabuki geisha gear.

I held myself there, waiting for him to snap the picture.

But he'd paused. "Are you… sure you want to do this?" he asked, deadpan.

I sighed in irritation. "Yes, yes, just take the damn picture already!"

"Okay… Don't regret it later…" And he snapped the photo: me, in kabuki geisha outfit and face paint, in a Water Fist stance, my tongue out, making a bizarre face to the camera.

Next I filled out the actual questions on the form. I wrote in pink gel pen, surrounding my writing with little hearts, snickering as I scribbled down absurd sayings, silly answers, and the occasional cheerful reference to sex or bloody murder. When it got to the part asking me about my interests and hobbies, my answer was so long and rambling that I had to put "see on back" with an arrow pointing to the back of the sheet.

* * *

My normal ninja outfit back on, I had to meet with the Hokage in his office afterward and get the rubber stamp, so to speak, of his approval on my registration paperwork. I sat in front of him grinning, as he stared at my form for a very - long - time.

"Naruko," he said at last, pained, "you have to do this whole thing over."

I scowled. "Uh, no," I said flatly.

The Hokage glared. "Naruko. Retake the picture."

I refused to be intimidated by a five-foot-one man in his sixties, no matter how powerful he was. "No way! I like it that way!" I pouted, scowling stubbornly. Then, on an inspiration, I made a hand seal. "Sexy Technique!"

I tried to tailor my technique to suit what I thought might be the Hokage's specific desires. I transformed into a sexy older woman, still a lot younger than him but more mature, fuller in the body, and classy, a little on the traditional side of things. Of course, she was very hot and completely naked.

"Please, Hokage-sama…?" she whispered, whining, almost a kind of moan.

I didn't expect it to work as well as it did. Grandpa Hokage fell over in a nosebleed and lay prone for five full seconds. I transformed slowly back into myself, staring. "It is… creepy how well that worked," I admitted. "Clearly I must treat this power responsibly."

I walked over to him, hands on my hips. "You know," I said, "I could have killed you in that time you've spent lying dazed on the floor. You're lucky I'm not the disruptive kind of successor."

The Hokage hurried to his feet, patting at his nose with a handkerchief, trying to carry his little remaining dignity. "That is an indecent technique," he said stiffly.

"An indecent technique that works," I said. "And I'm still not retaking the registration paperwork."

"Let's… ignore the pink gel pen, rambling, and hearts for now and focus on the photo," the Hokage sighed. "First… where is your hitai-ate?"

"I don't want to wear it till the opening Genin rank meeting. It might get scratched." I frowned, very defensive of the prized ninja headband I'd worked so hard for.

"Alright," he said, clearly frustrated. "Dare I ask next: _why_ you're wearing white face makeup and traditional robes, doing a taijutsu stance, sticking your tongue out at the camera, and making a weird face?"

"I didn't know how to smile sweetly or make a nice face. I'm not exactly that kinda girl," I said bluntly. "So I tried practicing a serious face in the mirror, and I kept erupting with laughter at myself. Finally, I decided the only thing I really know how to do is be playful and weird and artistic. So I just… went with that." I shrugged. "I'll have you know that look took me several hours, and I'm not retaking it."

"Naruko, this is a serious form. Ninja all over the world will see it. It's important - even by your standards. You can't look like this in your official Konoha paperwork," the Hokage argued. We had by now sat down across from each other again.

"I don't give a shit about any of that official stuff, dattebayo!" I said stubbornly. "Come on Grandpa, _pleeeaase_?" I pleaded with big eyes. "It's just a picture!"

Just then, I stiffened, my Mind's Eye alerting me. "Hey, Grandpa," I said. "There's a little kid just outside the door -"

Just then, the little boy burst in, wearing a bizarre combination of a scarf and a sports helmet, wielding a blunted practice shuriken. "Fight me, old man!" he shouted. "The title of Fifth Hokage belongs to me, Konohamaru -!"

He tripped over his own scarf and fell flat on his face halfway through his charge. I stared, exasperated. Who on earth _was_ this kid?

A bald man in dark glasses ran into the room in a panic - he seemed to be the kid's tutor. "Are you okay, Honorable Grandson?!" he said in panic. The boy must have gotten away from him.

The little boy had moaned and sat upright. "There must be some sort of trap in the room," he said intently, as if it wasn't his scarf that had just tripped him.

"There are no traps, Young Master," said the tutor immediately.

The boy saw me, and straightened, eyes wide. "But I, the great Konohamaru, remain unharmed!" he shouted grandly, puffing up his chest, as if trying to show off. He ran over to me and took my hand, kneeling before me. "Beautiful and powerful woman," he said, "will you consent to go on a date with me?"

The kid's tutor nearly had a heart attack.

"Uh… how old are you?" I asked skeptically.

He scowled. "... Eight," he muttered.

"Uh, yeah," I said. "A junior Academy student? You're a little young even for me. Come back in a few years, okay?" I smiled, attempting to be warm and kind.

The boy, Konohamaru, straightened, stamping his foot. "I'm the Hokage's grandson and I want you to go on a date with me!" he shouted.

"H-Honorable Grandson -" the tutor began in panic.

Grandpa's kid? I paused in surprise. Then Konohamaru smirked smugly, as if knowing I was going to say yes and appease him just because of who his grandfather was. And that was what really undid my temper. Nobody was special in my eyes - not Sasuke for being a talented ninja from an amazingly respected clan, not Grandpa for being forces commander, and sure as hell not this kid.

I slapped him over the back of the head. "I already said no!" I snapped. "Listen to a girl when she refuses you! It's called respect!" I shot to my feet and stormed off as he stood there frozen in surprise, and the tutor shouted aloud in horror.

Grandpa somehow didn't seem too fazed, though. Probably thought it would be good for the kid.

* * *

But Konohamaru must have gotten away from his tutor again - how pathetic _was_ that guy, anyway? - because after a while I sensed him following me through the city streets. Not with my Mind's Eye. I didn't need it. I could see his shadow behind me, his footsteps were really loud, and he didn't know how to use an illusion cloth correctly so every time I whirled around I could see his feet sticking out of the bottom of the chameleon like cloth.

I humored him for a while, walking a few feet, then whirling around and seeing if he could try to hide in time. We did this for several iterations. I was both amused and irritated.

Finally, I whirled around, walked over, and yanked the cloth off of him, glaring down expectantly into his face with my hand on my hip. I was trying my hardest not to smile. I really was.

"Just what I would expect from the woman I admire," said Konohamaru smugly, standing. "I still think we should go on a date."

"And I still think that I'm not dating an eight year old Academy student."

"Weren't _you_ just an Academy student?"

"You know," I said, "I don't _have_ to be talking to you."

"Fine! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he said quickly. "What I really wanted to know is… can you show me how to do that technique you used to defeat my Grandpa? _Please_?" He looked up at me with big eyes.

"And why would I do that?" I asked skeptically.

"Because I'll call you Boss and be your undying follower," he said readily.

"Hmm. Tempting. How about you stop asking girls on dates who have already turned you down, and you call me Boss and be my undying follower, and we've got a deal?" I said. "Any follower of mine has to know that if someone says they're not interested, that's the end of that. Guy or girl."

"Okay!" he said, lifting a fist, cheering.

He really didn't think anything of me. Huh. I supposed he was raised by Grandpa, and Grandpa didn't have any problem with me. That tutor of his hadn't been looking at me too kindly, though. Maybe he didn't like his tutor?

"Okay, so in order to do a Transformation, or any ninjutsu really," I said as we walked along, "you have to be able to use your chakra. Chakra is -"

Konohamaru took out a scroll and read officially. "Chakra is the energy you use to execute a technique. It is made up of every cell in the body, combines with a person's training and experience, and mingles in the body as chakra. Chakra is executed and channeled through hand seals to form a technique -"

"Okay, pause," I said, lifting a hand. "All that is true. But A, you're just reading memorized rote from a scroll, which shows absolutely zero true understanding, and B, what part of that helps you even one iota in crafting a ninjutsu?"

Konohamaru frowned down at the scroll. "None of it," he realized, and he looked up indignantly. "Glasses-Sensei is useless!"

"Here's what you need to know," I said. "Chakra runs through the body in coils, like blood veins. So it's a physical presence. You channel that presence through your arms, through your hand movements, and out into the world to do something. This means that using chakra to execute big techniques is a mostly intuitive exercise - it's more about what feels right than what you academically understand. Still with me so far?"

He nodded.

"The reason why you learn all that stuff from the scroll is so you know how to improve your chakra. You exercise and train a lot, go on missions, gain experience. But it doesn't help you at all in actually making a ninjutsu.

"To make a ninjutsu, you have to learn what intuitively feels right, and then you have to have a lot of hard work and tenacity. You have to keep recreating and recreating the ninjutsu, even when you're exhausted, until it's perfect.

"Can you do that with me?"

"Yes!" Konohamaru said, excited. If his Glasses-Sensei was mostly theoretical, this may have been the first time he'd ever gotten so far in mastering a technique. I decided to help him. Someone had to teach this kid how to actually, physically do something. For me, it was all about practical application.

"Okay, now, the Sexy Technique has a very important rule to remember: everyone is attracted to a different thing. Some people are attracted to men, some to women, some to big body types, some to small body types, and there are different teenage and adult age ranges that people find attractive - usually depending on their age and mentality. A guy might usually prefer women his age, for example, but if he's going through a mid or late life crisis, younger than him might be the way to go. Also, some people are attracted to watching other people get it on, including yaoi or yuri. If you can replicate, that's very important to remember.

"So. There are two components to the Sexy Technique: a masterful ability to imagine and transform into anything, and an understanding of how sexual psychology works. I had to learn all this stuff on my own. I sifted my way through a lot of crap, a lot of illegal porn and smutty books, before coming to my conclusion. I'm going to give you the abridged version of all that training, okay?

"But first, let's see how your Transformation looks now. Pick a gender, age, and body type, imagine something, and transform. Remember to make the person attractive according to how they naturally look."

He tried Transforming. It was awful.

"Yeah," I said slowly. "This is going to need some work."

* * *

I took him back to my apartment, saying casually, "Throw your crap somewhere," as I sauntered into my home. Konohamaru tiptoed in and looked around curiously, at the paint splattered walls and floor, the countless plants and box gardens out on my balcony, the richly stocked kitchen and warm, homey colors.

"What's that?" he said, walking up to the infamous painting.

I stood beside him. "You know what sex is, right?" He nodded. "Okay, so kunoichi sometimes have to have sex to get information for the good of a seduction mission. We fight on some missions, but seduce on others. And in that way, we're a lot like prostitutes. This is a picture of prostitutes at a bath off the job. The viewer has just invaded. They stand strong, defensive, and independent, because they don't actually need a man. They need his money, and then they need him to leave.

"I left it up here as an important reminder to myself."

We walked into my bedroom, and he paused again in front of the calendar decorated with hot guy swimsuit models in various poses. I snickered. "I masturbate to that," I said, grinning. "Never be afraid to please yourself. Sometimes you're the only person who can.

"Ah, here it is! My porn and smutty book stash!" I tore off a sheet and revealed it grandly.

So I took him through my porn and smutty books, showing him pictures, explaining playful poses and what was attractive to different people, various kinks. We sat cross legged across from each other on my bed, and it was actually quite an intellectual conversation - almost a sex ed class. Konohamaru seemed fascinated.

"Now," I said, "if I were a total asshole, we could have you sneak into a bath house and watch people covertly there. We're not doing that. You know why? Because it's a shitty thing to do. Never stalk a person or invade their privacy without permission, Konohamaru. Peeping is for disgusting people.

"One last lesson: people are only human. It's important to remember that if you want to have a fulfilling sex life. No one is ever going to be perfect, and you have to learn to be healthily attracted to people in all their imperfections. That is the key to a healthy relationship and sex life. Closet perverts are the way they are because they hold themselves frigidly, aspiring to perfection. Don't be that person. Express your sexuality openly, healthily, and realistically.

"And when I say express your sexuality openly, I don't mean by catcalling. You can appreciate someone's attractiveness and still only pay them polite compliments. Got it?"

Once we were finished, we went to a training field - and I just had him imagine and Transform, over and over and over again, relentlessly criticizing different things, not rudely but fairly, until he could do several perfect iterations of different types.

* * *

We stopped for a break, getting sodas from the machine in the corner, and sat on a log to drink them. "Hey, if I can ask," I said after a moment, curious, "you want this to defeat your grandfather, right? Why are you obsessed with defeating your grandfather?"

Konohamaru grew downcast. "... I was born with the name Konohamaru," he said. "My grandfather named me after the village. So it should be an easy name for people to remember. But nobody ever calls me by that name. All they ever see when they look at me is Honorable Grandson. No one ever recognizes me as an individual.

"So I want the title of Hokage right now. I'm going to use this technique to defeat the old man and take the title for myself! Then everyone will have to respect me on my own merits, and not on my grandfather's!"

I scowled. "And you really think it's going to be that easy?" I said flatly. "You're just going to walk in looking like a naked woman, and the title of Hokage will be handed to an eight year old kid?"

"What are you saying?!" he snapped, fists clenching, standing.

"I'm saying it's not going to be that easy, and it never will be. Who would recognize a kid like you? They didn't recognize me as a kid, what makes you think you'll be any different?" I snapped. I smiled viciously, leaking killing intent. Konohamaru swallowed. "And if you want the title of Hokage… you're going to have to fight _me_ for it first. Because I want it, too."

Just then, Glasses-Sensei leaped down into the clearing. "Honorable Grandson! I've found you!" he panted, sweating, as if he'd been running around the village looking for us for hours. He favored me with a cold glare, one of the most severe ones I'd seen in a long time - "monster," his eyes whispered, and my teeth clenched together hard in silence - then he turned to Konohamaru. "Let us go home," he said with dignity.

"Stop bothering me! I'm learning a technique and defeating the old man right now! I'm trying to become Hokage!" Konohamaru snapped.

Glasses-Sensei walked forward. "Hokage is a title you can only have with obvious moral principles, perfect knowledge, loyalty to village, traditional happy family, and you must know over a thousand techniques," he said smugly. "I, the elite teacher Ebisu, trainer of Hokage candidates, am never wrong -"

Konohamaru finally seemed to get fed up with his teacher. "Sexy Technique!" He turned into a slim, beautiful naked brunette woman, and Ebisu shrieked, turning bright red. He held himself stiff, refusing to fall over.

Konohamaru turned back into himself, frowning in disappointment and confusion. "Aww," he said. "It didn't work…"

Ebisu began trying to pull Konohamaru away. "I will not fall for such a base technique! Honorable Grandson, hanging around with that brat will only make you stupider! The shortcut to Hokage is to read my scrolls and follow my lead -!"

Shortcut to Hokage, huh? Like _that_ existed. I was starting to see where Konohamaru had gotten his bratty, impatient entitlement from. Finally, scowling, I made a hand seal. Ebisu was through with ruining this kid.

It was time to put good old Glasses-Sensei in his place.

"Shadow Clone Technique!" I shouted, making the hand seal, and shadow clones surrounded Ebisu from all directions.

Ebisu chuckled. "I am not Mizuki," he said. Apparently, word of my escapades had gotten around among the adults. "I am a Jounin. I will not be felled by such a simple technique." He got into a fighting stance -

But that wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I understood the psychology of people like Ebisu - all too well.

"Sexy Technique! Harem Style!" all the Shadow Clones shouted, and then busty naked women were moaning all over Ebisu, calling him Ebisu-sama, rubbing up against him -

I watched clinically from a distance as the asshole fell for it, hook, line, and sinker. He collapsed unconscious in a shower of a nosebleed. "See that, Konohamaru?" I said. "That is the perfect example of a frigid Closet Pervert. Don't be like him."

The women disappeared to leave Ebisu, Jounin level Hokage candidate trainer extraordinaire, lying unconscious in the middle of the clearing. "Hmph," I said, and walked away and left him there. Konohamaru paused, then shrugged and followed me.

He was quiet for a while, and then he frowned and said, "I still couldn't defeat Glasses-Sensei. I want the title to make everyone recognize me, so why…?"

He seemed to be having a crisis of faith. Treating this moment right was important.

My temper had quieted into sympathy. Gentler than I had before, I said, "It's not going to be that easy. You want to become recognized as the best ninja in the village. That's going to take a lot of hard work. There will be horrible things, things that will baffle you." I thought, sobering, of my own childhood. "I finally have people who recognize me, but it took a lot of work. You're going to have to prepare yourself, Konohamaru." I smiled, almost joking. "There is no shortcut to becoming Hokage."

"... You're a nice lady, Naruko," he said, staring up at me. "You're the first stranger I've met ever to call me by my real name. You want to be Hokage, too, right?"

"That's right," I said in a friendly way, smiling, leaning down to his level with my hands on my knees. "And I'm becoming an official ninja starting tomorrow. But how about this? If you ever need help with your studies, come talk to me. And someday I will fight you for the Hokage's position… Konohamaru."

He looked at me with big eyes for a moment - then smiled and saluted. Eventually, I came to be his regular playmate and unofficial tutor. I became the "Boss" of him and his Academy friends, Moegi and Udon.

I liked kids, playing with them and tutoring them warmly, so I couldn't say I minded. Maybe helping your future Hokage rival wasn't the traditional way to do things… But when had I ever cared about that?


	6. Chapter 6

When the sunlight filtered through my bedroom window that morning, my eyes fluttered open. I sat up slowly, hazy-eyed, yawning in bed, my long hair a mess around me. As I yawned, my sharp teeth were revealed; I closed my mouth and all seemed normal again. I slid out and onto the floor, dressed in my usual pajamas, which consisted of a really long men's T shirt that stopped at about my thigh area.

I went to the TV across the room and turned it off. I usually fell asleep to the sound of the TV, and after so much disuse it faded away into white noise at some point during the night. A waste of electricity, but some nights it was the only way I could get to sleep.

I walked over to the men's swimsuit calendar, as per usual - and paused, staring wide-eyed at the date. It had been circled several times in red. "EXPLANATORY MEETING TODAY!" it said. The new Genin ninja explanatory meeting was later this morning at the Academy. A bright spring morning was growing outside the window.

I smiled slowly in excitement.

As usual, I brewed myself a cup of tea, checked on my plants, and then stood amongst their earthy scent on my balcony, smiling peacefully as I clutched the cup of tea and watched the sunrise over the roofs of Konoha village.

My tea finished and the sun newly risen, I went inside and made myself a nice big celebratory breakfast, which I had prepared the materials for the night before. My home-cooked obento lunch was placed with my things to leave. Only the best materials were allowed in my kitchen; I'd thrown out some expired milk and bought new just the other day.

The early part of the morning was spent making and eating my great breakfast feast. I'd have to clean a lot up later, but it was always worth it for a nice big soul-cooking meal. I loved food way too much to be bothered by having to clean up after it each night.

Finished eating, I washed my face real well and brushed my teeth with cinnamon toothpaste. I put on my orange kunoichi dress, put my hair up in its pigtails, slid on my weapons holsters, and on a whim, I chose my warm pink lipstick for the day. I looked at myself in the full length mirror by my door for a moment, frowning, puzzled…

"Ah! That's what I'm missing, dattebayo!" I said brightly at last, and hurried over to take the battered old hitai-ate from my dresser carefully, almost reverently. I tied it around my neck like a kerchief in the mirror, and I smiled cheerfully. I grabbed my keys, my obento, and my cute little frog wallet Gama-chan. (Yes, I'd named my wallet, why do you ask? All my plants had names too.) I locked up and left for the walk to the Academy.

I met up with Hinata on the way there, as per usual, and we fell into step beside each other, laughing and chatting. I was just in the middle of a hilarious retelling of my registration picture story - "Naruko-chan!" Hinata cried, scandalized, laughing - when little Konohamaru ran up to us in the street.

"Boss, you should play with me!" he commanded. He looked at Hinata and frowned. "She can come too," he said after a moment.

I sighed. "Hinata, this is my new cute, demanding little student Konohamaru. Konohamaru, this is my best friend Hyuuga Hinata. And we can't play right now. There's an explanatory meeting for the new rookie Genin ninja, and we've got to be there."

"Wow, that's amazing, what's that like?" said Konohamaru, awed in that way only a child could be.

I smiled, exasperated but amused. "I'll let you know after it happens," I promised. As I walked off with Hinata, I asked, "Do you know who will be announcing our assignments as Genin?"

"Hokage-sama makes the final choice and he likes you, so who else?" Hinata smiled. "The teachers telling us our first assignment will be Iruka-sensei and Suzume-sensei."

I brightened, excited.

We entered our old classroom, with the tiered lecture hall seating, and found two open seats right next to each other at a table that was empty except for Uchiha Sasuke, who was about as talkative as a log. He ignored us, we ignored him, and it was all good. I chattered on and on to Hinata, excitement making me even more talkative than usual; I did most of the talking and she just listened with a little, amused smile on her face.

Just then, Shikamaru walked by our table. "Hey, Naruko, this meeting is only for those who passed." He paused, frowning. "And I thought you hadn't."

"Naruko-chan did a makeup test later and passed that way," Hinata replied smoothly and easily, lying for me. I was grateful - I had never been a very good liar.

"Yeah," I said, irritated. "Do you not see this hitai-ate?" I pointed around my neck.

Shikamaru sighed and raised his hands. "Alright, alright."

"Do you think it looks good here? I didn't want it to be around my head or around my arm, but I thought maybe -" I began thoughtfully.

"Hey, I know nothing about girl stuff or fashion. Leave me out of this," said Shikamaru uneasily, and he walked off muttering, "Troublesome."

I turned to Hinata and grinned. "I got him to go away," I muttered, and we giggled, snorting with laughter.

Just then, Ino and Sakura, Sasuke's two biggest fangirls, burst through the classroom door. They were arguing loudly about who had arrived first, shrieking, apparently just having come from a foot race. Even as I watched, distracted, Sakura saw Sasuke and made a direct run for him.

Ah, fuck.

"Incoming," I said, and Hinata and I moved quickly out of the way just as the hordes of fangirls moved in, shoving chairs out of the way, arguing with each other as to who got the seat next to Uchiha Sasuke. Sasuke gave them one cold, scathing look, and then glanced away as if irritated. He still hadn't spoken.

"We should have known not to try to sit next to him," Hinata sighed.

"Do you think they realize they annoy the living crap out of him?" I wondered flatly to myself. And then all of a sudden, I was irritated. Growling, I stormed over.

Hinata called after me in panic, "Naruko, wait!" but I ignored her. I climbed up onto Sasuke's desk, squatted there, leaned forward, looked him close straight in the eye, and glared at him.

Some students might have considered this suicide. I was a goddamn Uzumaki, and I was not most students.

Sasuke was taken aback for a moment, and then he glared back. "Get out of my face before I report you for assault," he said in a low tone.

"How cute. You think I'm here because I find you appealing." My tone was low. Sasuke seemed taken aback for a moment, and I saw him take an uncomfortable glance at my rack, which was pretty close to his face. Our eyes met again and I smirked, because Uchiha Sasuke or not, he was a preteen boy with adolescent hormones and I knew _exactly_ what he was thinking. His eyes narrowed into a fiercer glare, but he did flush a little - he was pale as the dead, so it was easy to notice.

I continued speaking aloud. "No, I'm just wondering what everyone finds so attractive or intimidating about you." The fangirls were watching now, and I heard them shrieking in outrage, Hinata calling to me, but this just meant nobody could hear me talking except for Sasuke. "I mean, sure, you have all your limbs and features. Eyes, a nose, a mouth. All the necessary human stuff. And you're a good ninja, I'll give you that. But you're about as talkative as a stump, you have the personality of a rock, and you think you're better than everybody else."

Sasuke's teeth were gritted now, his black eyes sharpening, and yes that was definitely killing intent. Strangely? I found this highly amusing. I didn't ever think I'd seen Sasuke lose his temper before. I should have done this years ago.

I sighed, satisfied. "I guess you do have the whole tall, dark, and handsome, ice cool, dark glamor thing going for you, and you're from a big family, but honestly, Sasuke? No, I don't get it. You're not my type." I grinned viciously, killing intent of my own leaking back in equal measure. "And I don't find you intimidating at _all._ "

Just then, someone in the tier below leaned back and accidentally bumped me in the ass. I lost my balance, shrieked as I fell forward on top of Uchiha Sasuke, and our lips accidentally locked.

It was my first kiss, so I suppose I should describe what it was like. To give him credit, he was a good kisser; he had very nice lips. Also, he used spearmint toothpaste. Fun fact. But mostly I just remember him sitting there, so absolutely, completely, and utterly frozen that this had to be his first kiss too. I supposed it did make sense, if he didn't think anyone was good enough for him.

I was pretty sure I was in shock, but realized distantly in the back of my mind that I should probably get off of him right now. As I got off of him I registered other things: he was very warm, he worked out, his lips really were very nice, and yeah getting off of him. I pushed myself away, and we stared at each other for a moment, very embarrassed.

"Oh," I said aloud, " _that's_ what it is."

I saw a fraction of a movement I wasn't sure anyone else did. Some of my pink lipstick was left on his mouth and Sasuke, still in shock, half reached his hand up there - and then shot it back down again in a quickly aborted movement.

Aww. I gave a wide, shit-eating grin, and Sasuke blushed very dark and gave me one of the most death-promising glares anyone ever had. Uchiha Sasuke was _awkward._

"Well, Sasuke," I said, recovering my warm, teasing sense of humor, "you are an excellent kisser, and you should feel honored, because that was my first kiss."

"Fuck you, Uzumaki," he said immediately in a heated tone.

"At last! He speaketh! Now, while you sit here and recover your remaining dignity, I've got to go defy death at the hands of your fangirls. Wish me luck!" I think he was still a little bit in shock, which was why he did not immediately move to respond or, you know, brutally murder me. He just kind of sat there. I stood and turned grinning to his fangirls. Killing intent filled the classroom as psychotic emotions slowly entered their eyes.

Hinata ran to get beside me. "That's what I was trying to tell you," she hissed, fully prepared to fight them off alongside me.

I muttered back, "Hinata, you're the best friend a girl could ever ask for, but you do not have to die with me. I'm taking this fight away from you, sorry."

"Wait, no, Naruko -!"

I laughed it off, pretending bravery. "Now, girls," I said loudly and obnoxiously, "let's not get all in a tizzy just because I AM OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR TO YOU IN EVERY WAY, DATTEBAYO!" And, cackling evilly, I sprinted out of the classroom with the fangirls on my tail. They were gaining on me, apparently faster than adult Chuunin when angered about Sasuke. I whirled around a bend -

And ran straight into Suzume and Iruka, falling startled to the floor with a thump. I looked up, in a sitting position. "Sensei!" I said, brightening. The girls behind me also stopped.

"What is going on?" Suzume demanded.

"I kissed Uchiha Sasuke," I announced.

"Really?" said Iruka, impressed. " _Nice_."

"Sensei!" the girls wailed. They'd all been vying to be Sasuke's first kiss for years, hence the dieting and the perfect hair, yada yada yada.

"Alright, alright, let's all just calm down and go back to the classroom," said Iruka.

"If it helps, I volunteer to be nowhere near the same vicinity as Sasuke," I said, standing. "They can have the seats next to him. Hinata and I will sit somewhere else."

"Well, yeah," Ino muttered on the walk back to the classroom. "You already had your way with him. What do you need to sit next to him for?"

Sheepishly, I followed everyone else back to class, firmly resolved never to look Uchiha Sasuke straight in the eye again.

In case you hadn't already guessed, that plan failed epically.

* * *

Hinata and I sat next to each other in the back of class. "Congratulations," she said wryly.

I was more embarrassed than I'd let on. "I don't want to talk about it," I muttered.

Iruka and Suzume stood at the front of the class, holding sheets of paper. "Starting now, you are all Genin ranked ninja," said Iruka. "But this is just the beginning. It only gets harder from here on out."

"As Genin, you will be separated into three-man teams or squads," said Suzume. "There, you will accomplish missions under a Jounin ranking instructor."

Hinata and I glanced at each other and smiled. We both knew: we hoped to be together. Being on a ninja team with Hinata would be a dream come true. She even knew about the demon inside me.

So the teachers started calling off assigned squads, and then they got to Team Seven: "Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, and Uzumaki Naruko."

I sat there, silent and frozen with horror. Hinata gave me a worried and sympathetic glance as she was paired with Aburame Shino and Inuzuka Kiba. Ino and Shikamaru were teamed together, and put with Akimichi Chouji, something Ino didn't seem too happy about. Sakura, meanwhile, was highly triumphant. It was sickening.

When the last team had been called, I stormed to my feet. "What the hell?! Not only am I not put with Hinata, but you had to put me with Pinky and the Brain, the Asshole and his Fangirl, the guy who thinks he's above everyone else and the girl who agrees?!" I shrieked, pointing at Sakura and Sasuke.

"Shut up, Naruko! Like we want to be with you either!" Sakura shouted, shooting to her feet.

"Naruko, Hokage-sama's decisions are final," said Iruka severely.

"Now sit the hell down, be a mature adult, and stop insulting your teammates," Suzume added flatly, sounding unimpressed.

I opened my mouth - and then closed it again, swallowing with effort. She was right, I had to get along with these asshole - people, Naruko. _People._ I took a deep breath and tried to do my Zen thing.

"Sorry -" I began.

And then came Sasuke's voice. Now, of all moments, he decided to speak. "Tch. Just don't get in my way. Dobe." He couldn't have said it with anymore dripping, scathing contempt if he'd tried hard. And Sakura giggled girlishly.

"That's it!" I tried to vault myself forward to Sasuke and Sakura's desk. Sakura shrieked and fell backward, but Sasuke smirked as Hinata held me back.

"Oh, you want to fight, dobe?" he asked mockingly as people laughed. Apparently he had to get his wounded pride back somehow.

I growled and gritted my teeth.

"We will introduce the Jounin sensei in the afternoon. Everyone separate for a lunch break. It is recommended you eat with your teammates." Iruka looked at me meaningfully.

* * *

Outside, Hinata went to go off with the two boys on her team. "Naruko-chan," she said worriedly, "you can eat with us -"

"Nah. Don't worry about it, Hinata-chan. I'm going to try to suffer through lunch," I sighed. And, reluctantly, I walked over to Sakura. Sasuke had disappeared, as he always did during lunch, and Sakura was looking around calling for him mournfully.

I sighed. "Sakura," I said, bracing myself, attempting to be civil. "We should eat lunch together since we're on the same team now."

Sakura glared. "Why would I want to eat lunch with _you_?" she asked brattily. "You're _annoying_."

"You were calling for Sasuke; clearly you don't find Sasuke annoying." I pointed vaguely in the other direction.

"Sasuke-kun is different," she said in a high-handed sort of way.

"Okay." I took a deep breath. "So you'll only eat lunch with me if Sasuke's there."

"If Sasuke-kun allows it… it's okay. Not that he ever _would_." She turned around, calling like a lost puppy, "Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun!" And she walked off, wandering aimlessly, like it was all just some giant game of Red Rover. She didn't have a lunch with her, and was probably intending not to eat again. Her hair was still loose and perfect.

I took a deep breath. "Okay," I said in a low voice, stalking off. "Let's try something else."

She wanted lunch with Sasuke. So I was going to give her lunch with Sasuke. See, I'd figured out where Sasuke ate lunch years ago. I'd just never _cared_.

* * *

Sasuke ate lunch in an empty classroom at a usually abandoned corner of campus, as if he felt somehow safe when he was secluded, abandoned, and alone. I leapt nimbly to the floor of the building I knew Sasuke was in, and inched hand over hand, my back to the wall - all the way close to the open window.

He was standing, leaning against the window and watching the view, eating lunch silently and thoughtfully, unguarded.

I whirled around the corner suddenly and launched myself through the window at him; the shutters slammed shut. He gave a startled yelp, and we wrestled with each other for a minute. I could have put up more of a fight, but I let him get on top of me and tie me up. He stood above me, smirking.

"Heh," he said. "Thought you could get the drop on me -?"

"You know, Sasuke, this is a very kinky position. I didn't know you were into that," I said matter of factly.

He flushed and lost his shit. "Does everything have to be a sex joke with you -?!"

And then the Shadow Clones he hadn't noticed me making behind him jumped on him, pinned him to the ground, and tied him up. I freed myself from the binds and gagged him for good measure. "Not that I think you'd have anything to say anyway," I added matter of factly, now standing above him. I grinned. "Gotcha. Your biggest weakness, Sasuke? You're not as good as you think you are."

He glared at me, growling and struggling, but for the moment he was still bound. I picked him up - difficult since he was taller than me - and threw him over my shoulder. "My teammate Sakura wants to have lunch with you," I said, determined. "And that's what she's going to get."

I climbed out the window, and leaped with Sasuke's struggling body, over the rooftops until my Mind's Eye found the bench where Sakura was sitting morosely under a tree, not eating. I landed in front of her, and threw Sasuke at her feet.

She looked surprised - and then shrieked. "Sasuke-kun!" She ran to him and helped untie him. He stood to his feet, his expression dark, and started toward me.

"Goddamnit, dobe, I swear I'm going to -"

"Now," I said matter of factly, hands on my hips. "We are all going to eat lunch together. Like a team." I glared at them.

Sasuke stopped in surprise - and then looked exasperated. Fury filled Sakura's expression… and then she let me have it. "Naruko, do you enjoy embarrassing me?! Do you get some sort of sick pleasure out of watching me suffer?! God, you're so annoying! And I know why, it's because you don't have any parents! No one ever taught you right from wrong, so you act in this immature way! You're so lucky - no parents there to ever get angry at you! All you do is pick fights with Sasuke, because you're not good at reacting any other way!"

She stopped for breath, panting, glaring daggers at me.

I… honestly had no words for a moment. Hitting at my lack of parents was so below the belt that I was left speechless. I can't imagine what my face looked like. "I… I was just trying to help…" I remember stammering out.

Sasuke got a good look at my face, and I remember the change that suddenly took place there. Dark, cold, silent fury twisted his expression into a snarl. He was silent for a moment, too, and then he said, "... Do you think it's easy?" Sakura paused and turned to him confused. "The isolation," he whispered, his eyes locked on my fragile expression, "it's nowhere near the level of having your parents yell at you. And then to tell her she's lucky to be that way, to her face?" Sasuke turned to Sakura, the picture of utter contempt. "You go beyond annoying. That's sick and twisted."

Sakura's expression was blindsided with utter pain.

Sasuke turned to me, uncaring. "Come on," he muttered, and stalked off. After a moment, I followed him.

"Wait - Sasuke-kun -!" Sakura called after him desperately.

Sasuke didn't turn back. But, starting to regain some of my composure, I stopped and did. "You didn't know?" I said. "Sasuke's family died when he was a kid. He's an orphan, too."

Sakura just stood there, cold and breathless, as I walked off after Sasuke's retreating form.

* * *

Sasuke and I walked beside each other for a while, back toward the classroom. "... Thanks," I said after a moment, and I meant it.

"I didn't do it for you, dobe," he muttered.

"Sure you didn't." I smiled. "Teme. You're such an asshole, you know that?" I kicked playfully at his ankle, and I swear for a moment I saw something pass across his face - almost a smile, almost a smirk. His face was not exactly emotional, but alive again, friendlier than I think I'd ever seen it.

"I didn't think someone who couldn't even Clone could Shadow Clone," he admitted. "But still, I'd have escaped eventually. The rope untying is a basic." He looked over at me in good natured exasperation.

"Of course." I tossed my head proudly, grinning. "But I just had to get you to the bench, didn't I?"

Sasuke made a noise that was more of a laugh than a scoff. "You're a weird girl," he said.

"Thanks," I said. "Shall we meet our Sensei?"

And so we walked back to the Academy classroom together. We weren't friends - not quite - but the animosity was mired with a mutual understanding. I got the feeling Sasuke was as lonely as I was… He just handled it differently.

After a pause, he said, "I know you're a good ninja. And you don't fawn over me like the other girls." I glanced over at him in surprise. "I just…" He looked away with difficulty. "I can't afford to let anyone pull me down. There's… there's a man only I can kill."

"Is it the one you're always thinking about when you're fighting?" He turned to stare at me in surprise. "We sparred once, at the Academy, in taijutsu. Way back when we were young. You probably don't remember it," I said slowly. "You beat me, and you had me pinned to the ground, and in the moment you beat me, I got a good look at your face. It wasn't triumphant. It was very hateful. But the hate wasn't directed at me. That's why you're so good. The person you were fighting… it wasn't me. You're always fighting someone else."

We had paused, and he was staring at me, openly.

I looked away. "Sorry. I guess it's none of my business. But… the guy who killed your family… it's him, isn't it?" He was silent. "Sasuke," I whispered, "everyone knows. Or, at least… I know. I heard the rumors.

"It's okay," I said, louder. "You don't have to say anything. But… He is a missing nin, and Konoha ninja are all supposed to apprehend missing nin. You never thought maybe we could help you?"

"I'm not letting anyone get involved in that," Sasuke said immediately. "It's my fight."

"Well then." I glared at him. "At least don't look down on us because we don't measure up to your impossibly high standards. Just because we're not full of hate, that doesn't automatically mean we're pulling you down."

He stared after me as I walked back toward the classroom.


End file.
